Facing Cowardice

The other day I lay on my bed, giving myself a chance to just relax my mind and unwind from the day, I started thinking about Cyrano De Bergerac.

Did you know the Cyrano was a
real person?  It's true!  This is he.
The play relates only partly his life
 and not at all his love story

When I was a freshman in college, I stopped by the library  - Harold I would later affectionately call him - on the way home from classes.  My friends were heading out of town for the night and due to my later class, I could not go with so I was intent on enjoying my quiet evening alone.  Browsing through the classics, I came upon Cyrano De Bergerac.  Immediately I was hooked.  I read while I walked back to my dorm.  I think I even skipped dinner as I pored through its pages, marveling at the story, wondering why I had never found such a gem before.

And I loved the ending of it - the fight that Cyrano has with prejudice and cowardice, against treachery and falsehood, while the last of his life drains away.  I always thought to myself, "This must be what it means to endure to the end.  Even at your last breath, you are fighting against evil."

This week, when my mind went to the play, I went back to that favorite of scenes only to discover to my absolute horror that I think I've entirely misinterpreted this play for the past 10 years!

Now, I could be misinterpreting all over again, swinging wildly from one wrong conclusion to another, but isn't it ironic that Cyrano was fighting cowardice and deceit in his last moments?  Especially since in some sense he exemplified those?

Here we have Cyrano, a brave and bold fighting man, who does not have the courage to tell Roxanne that he loves her.  He hides behind the face of Christian who, heaven help him, is really nothing more than a pretty face, and woos Roxanne with his sweet words.  None of this is Christian, of course.  The scene where Christian tries to woo Roxanne alone is painful to recall.

Well, Christian, dear one that he is, starts to wonder if Roxanne really loves him or his Cyrano-provided poetry, and so he asks her and approaches Cyrano about it.  "Roxanne says she would love me even if I were ugly.  Find out which one of us she really loves."  (Forgive my summarization.  I don't have the play in front of me)  For a second, Cyrano hopes that his dreams are about to come true.  But then Christian gets mortally wounded and so Cyrano decides to forgo the truth to bring joy to a dying man's last moments and tells Christian, "She only loves you."  Selfless, right?

Except that for the next 13 years, we have Cyrano who is in love with Roxanne and Roxanne who is in love with Cyrano who are both alive.  And Christian who was merely the pretty face is not . But does Cyrano ever admit the truth, ever admit his deceit, or overcome his cowardice?  NEVER.

Not even when Roxanne figures it out in their last scene together does he admit to it.

So, back to me.  Here I am, holding up Cyrano as a defender of truth and all things noble and good and wanting to emulate him.  And realizing that he might have been the biggest coward of all.

So now, I'm wondering, what does this mean?  Am I simply just a coward, hiding behind the bravado of a strong sword?  Or a brave man hiding behind the cowardice of a big nose?