Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Hazy

Today, I went to the doctor to see what was wrong with me.  I've had a persistent cough for over a month now.  I kept thinking it would go away but it never did.  One of my friends suggested it might be bronchitis.  I didn't think it was bronchitis but I did think it was something I needed professional help with.

Doctor: You don't have a fever.  You don't have a virus.  There's nothing in your lungs.  And I can't hear anything wrong with your heart.  But you say, you have had this cough for over a month?
Me: Yep.
Doctor: Hold on a minute.  I'm going to go think about this for a while.

As I waited, I stared at the pamphlets they pass out to students.  Then I stared at my book on the chair across the room and wondered if I dared get off the table to go get it.  But mostly, while I waited, I wondered why my body managed to heal from the flu and somehow forgot to heal itself from a cough.  That really happens?


Yesterday, in English class, I had a very interesting conversation with a few of my students.  Not that conversations aren't usually interesting but sometimes it is hard for me to keep the conversation going and this time, it all came very naturally.  Mostly, it was my students who did the talking and I just plied them with question after question.  They started describing some of the terrorist acts around the borders of their countries and explaining a little of the turbulent history to countries that border the Middle East.  I just stared at them in amazement.  There's a whole world out there that I know absolutely nothing about!

I've been in a downright bad mood for a few weeks now.  I've tried really hard to fight it and I spend a lot of my time and energy trying to think happy things and focus on the good.  However, yesterday, one of my students looked at me, "Erin, you looked very down today.  You look like you are very tired."  I looked at her and I realized, she's right.  I'm tired.  Absolutely exhausted.  It's not just physical.  It's also emotional and social and mental and spiritual.

Once I realized I was tired, I realized why I was in a bad mood.  It's like my two year old niece who fights going to sleep and so huffs around the house in a bad mood until we can convince her to sleep.  I laughed at her on Sunday when that anger was directed my way and she refused to let me kiss her goodbye.  The thing is, am I the two-year old who should just give in and let her body rest?  Or do I need to keep fighting?
Usually, when my niece is exhausted, I put a movie in front of her to at least distract her until she acknowledges she's tired

This is the other niece who is not tired (miraculously) but I couldn't resist not putting up a picture - Here, she is smiling at her mother
 Here, she is smiling at me

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