A conversation with my sister as we're driving around DC.
Sister: Oh, we're on Patrick Henry Dr. Who was he?
Me: He was the guy who was famous for saying, 'Give me Liberty or Give me Death'
Sister: Ohhh and then he got both. Well, that not fair. That's like saying, 'Give me a private jet or my own island' and then getting both.
Me: <taking my sister's phone to play on the internet without permission>
Sister: What are you doing? No, don't use my phone! <taking it away>
Me: Sorry. I was just going to play some videos on Youtube.
Sister: Oh, now I feel bad. Here you go; you can look up videos.
Me: ?? (I had every right to be scolded by her since I was playing mean older sister)
A conversation with some Cub Scouts while on a 'nature' hike:
Cub1: My baby brother is so cute. Adult chaperone: Movies are great activities
Sometimes he likes to try to scare me... to attend. Yesterday we went and watched...
Me: <in the middle of these two talking simultaneously about radically different things> How did I get myself into this again?
Cub2: I think my leaf is the best racing leaf in the world. [Editor's note: It wasn't. Too much surface area made it the slowest leaf by a long shot]
Sister (cub leader): Ok, kids, we're going to turn around and start going back now.
Cub3: Yes! <starts running back the entire way>
Cub4: I love throwing rocks in the river. <proceeds to pick up the largest boulder he can pick up and hefts it into the water>
Cub3: Wow, look at those tadpoles!
Me: Those aren't tadpoles.
Cub3: Yes, they are. Look!
Me: I'm telling you, those aren't tadpoles.
Cub3: But tadpoles leave shadows in the water.
Me: They are much too big to be tadpoles. Those are definitely fish.
Cub3: Oh, yeah, fish!
The cub scouts find a 'caterpillar' on the sidewalk:
Cub3: Yes! This is coolest thing ever! Let's throw him into the river!
Cub4: Let's keep him as a pet! Can I keep him?
Cub2: I'm going to give him my racing leaf so he can have a mansion!
Cub1: Move, caterpillar! Move! Why aren't you moving?
Me: I think this poor bug is thinking, 'Why, oh, Why did I wake up this morning? I'm being accosted by cub scouts!"
A conversation with a friend who attempted to make sticky rice cake for one of her classes.
Friend: It was the grossest thing I have ever eaten. I must have done it wrong.
[She brings over a rice cake for me to try]
Friend: <apologetically> It tastes horrible. But at least it's sufficiently sticky.
Me: Wow, actually, this tastes really good. It tastes just like it should.
Friend: Does it need more sugar?
Me: More sugar? Then it would be too sweet.
Friend: Are you sure? You're not just being nice?
Me: No, it really tastes good. I'm impressed. But you don't like it?
Friend: Yes, it's one of the grossest things I've ever tried.
Me: <nodding dubiously as I think back to the actual list of gross things I've eaten>
Me: I can't believe that she thought that rice cake was gross. She must just have very American taste buds.
<taking a bite>
Me: Ugh! What is this? This is disgusting! [It's so gross that I spit it out and rinse out my mouth multiple times]
[Serves me right really. But in my defense, that Asian treat had long expired and wasn't properly packaged]